After quite a long battle with grief and depression, fought not with the drugs that the medical world suggested repeatedly that I take, and which at times I thought I was crazy not to take, I have finally emerged battle-worn, but victorious. Yet not I, but the LORD.
And it occurs to me, now that I am out of (or at least beginning to come out of) this lengthy mental fog that can only be called sin, that the battle often is truly fought in our minds, which the bible refers to as the "heart." The enemy wants to claim for himself the glory that belongs only to the LORD. He accomplishes that through us, if we allow him to, by turning our "hearts" ("thoughts") away from God and onto things of the flesh.
Eve allowed the enemy to take what was not rightfully his to take; more importantly, so did Adam. So have we all at one point or another, even if only before we came to know Christ. Sin, which persuades our minds increasingly from birth, can only ever be overcome by the blood of Jesus Christ. Even then, temptation can draw us back into sin, if we are not on guard. And even something as natural as grief can become a temptation if not moderated by the Spirit of God. If our flesh takes hold, and we do not bring it into submission to Christ, then we might lose the battle. But we can never lose the war. Not when we belong to Christ.
For always there is this confident hope we have that our shepherd, Jesus Christ, always goes out to seek that one lost lamb that belongs to His flock.
Such was I for more than two years now. Sometimes we know we are sinning, and other times we can't see clearly enough to know anything. Here's what told me I was losing the battle, even though I felt powerless, for a season, to change it: I stopped hearing from God.
Before this new trial, His small still voice woke me up most mornings:
"Seek ye first the kingdom...." might be the words I would hear in my half awake/half asleep state, words that would propel me out of my bed in a hurry to see what the LORD was giving me today. Grab my bible, find the verse, read it all in context, and come away knowing that the current financial worry, for example, to which God was speaking in my life, was going to be just fine in His hands as long as I left that to Him and focused instead on the kingdom of God...focusing on His concerns rather than my own. And while I am taking care of that which concerns Him, or HIs desires, He will take of that which concerns me, or my desires. His desire is to see His kingdom grow. And when we are focused on that, instead of focused on our own needs whether financial or otherwise, then here is our confident hope:
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body, than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, nor gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? ,,,,Therefore, take no thought saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?...for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." (Matthew 6:25-34)
Such was the blessing with which many of my mornings began.
But I hadn't heard that still small voice waking me in quite some time. I had slowly muffled it with the sound of my own tears.
I grieved over a lost love, a love that lasted 23 years and then in a day was over, but not for me. At first, being so close to the Lord and still hearing from Him, my grief was in moderation and probably healthy in some respect. But then something else took over. Was it fear? Was it loneliness? Was it rejection? Was it all of this and more? Everything has its root in fear, I believe.
Whatever it was, that's when the lost love became the "god" in my life, for that is where my time and energy and focus remained. Suddenly there was no more room in my life for the LORD. And no matter how much I recognized it, I couldn't seem to get out from under it.
I felt trapped.
Utterly and completely trapped. Helpless to do anything other than cry out to God, "Help me! I need your help! I cannot remain in this and live! Yet I cannot get out of the death grip that this grief has on me! Help me, please, I am begging even though I feel that I have no right to even beg, because in so many ways I made this bed that I am now lying in. Please forgive me! Please help me! I need your mercy and your grace. Please, God, please, please help me!"
And finally, this morning, after more than two years, I heard that voice again. His voice saying this to me:
"I gave you My authority so that your life would be a witness of my glory, as you lived a life that would declare to the world that I am sufficient for you."
Busted! That's what I felt. This was truth from the mouth of God that cut to my core, because my life had not been a witness of God's glory for a good part of the past two years. I had been wallowing in self-pity and fear.
And even though great was my conviction, yet so much greater was my relief!
There it was! His voice! Speaking to me again in what was both a statement of facts and a challenge as well.
Had Jesus Christ been sufficient for me? Had I not declared those words many times over during the course of forty years of knowing Him? Had I not spoken those very words in jail cells to sin's captives who desperately needed the hope that only Jesus could give? Had I not written them in letters written to those captives? Had I not taught that precept in women's bible studies many times over? Had it not been by His authority that I had walked into those prisons and spoken to folks who either needed to hear about Him for the first time in their lives or else just needed to be reminded of His love for them even though they had walked away from Him?
I could never have faced them without Him going before me, without Him sending me, without Him giving me the very words to speak, for no matter how much I tried to prepare ahead of time, He always changed it on me anyway. And while I am not a quick thinker, I quickly learned how to submit to His Spirit's leading. I couldn't have done any of it without Him. Not possible. Not for me.
So what was different about this morning? Why had I struggled for two years now? And yet this morning, it seemed so easy, so simple!
It was because with this beloved voice that I had so longed to hear again, came that special thing that I desperately needed to be reminded of in my battle-weary state: that I am loved because God is who He is. Not loved because of the number of my works or successes, not judged by my lack of works or failings, but loved simply because God's faithful love is unconditional to those He has "called out" to be His own. And He will finish the work He has begun in them.
I heard all of that and more:
You are still mine. I am not done with you yet. Yes, you've fallen down, bruised yourself badly with the fall, and I know how much it hurts, but just get up and let's go forward again. You can do this, because I am here to lift you. I am here. You are not alone and never have been for even one moment. You have not been rejected, no matter what lies you have believed from the enemy. You have been chosen. Long ago. That choosing never changed, never ended. Now get up and let's get going again. There's still time left. There's still my energy for you to draw upon. There is still my strength. This is not the day that you die. Let's go. Are you ready?
I am so ready and I am so grateful, so filled with joy, so at peace now that I have heard His voice once more. Nothing has changed in my world, and yet everything has changed.
Yesterday, everything seemed insurmountable. I felt trapped in a life that I could not get out of.
Today, I have been set free...again...and have received the power to overcome again just by hearing His voice speaking to me once more. Power to break the chains of this grief and sorrow and self-judgment I have been carrying for so long.
Because Jesus Christ is sufficient for me. He is all that I need.
And He will direct my steps so that my life declares this truth to all the world around me.
If I will let Him.
Thank you, Jesus. Yes, I am ready....
I am ready to go forward...
but only with YOU!
And it occurs to me, now that I am out of (or at least beginning to come out of) this lengthy mental fog that can only be called sin, that the battle often is truly fought in our minds, which the bible refers to as the "heart." The enemy wants to claim for himself the glory that belongs only to the LORD. He accomplishes that through us, if we allow him to, by turning our "hearts" ("thoughts") away from God and onto things of the flesh.
Eve allowed the enemy to take what was not rightfully his to take; more importantly, so did Adam. So have we all at one point or another, even if only before we came to know Christ. Sin, which persuades our minds increasingly from birth, can only ever be overcome by the blood of Jesus Christ. Even then, temptation can draw us back into sin, if we are not on guard. And even something as natural as grief can become a temptation if not moderated by the Spirit of God. If our flesh takes hold, and we do not bring it into submission to Christ, then we might lose the battle. But we can never lose the war. Not when we belong to Christ.
For always there is this confident hope we have that our shepherd, Jesus Christ, always goes out to seek that one lost lamb that belongs to His flock.
Such was I for more than two years now. Sometimes we know we are sinning, and other times we can't see clearly enough to know anything. Here's what told me I was losing the battle, even though I felt powerless, for a season, to change it: I stopped hearing from God.
Before this new trial, His small still voice woke me up most mornings:
"Seek ye first the kingdom...." might be the words I would hear in my half awake/half asleep state, words that would propel me out of my bed in a hurry to see what the LORD was giving me today. Grab my bible, find the verse, read it all in context, and come away knowing that the current financial worry, for example, to which God was speaking in my life, was going to be just fine in His hands as long as I left that to Him and focused instead on the kingdom of God...focusing on His concerns rather than my own. And while I am taking care of that which concerns Him, or HIs desires, He will take of that which concerns me, or my desires. His desire is to see His kingdom grow. And when we are focused on that, instead of focused on our own needs whether financial or otherwise, then here is our confident hope:
"Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body, than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, nor gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? ,,,,Therefore, take no thought saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?...for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." (Matthew 6:25-34)
Such was the blessing with which many of my mornings began.
But I hadn't heard that still small voice waking me in quite some time. I had slowly muffled it with the sound of my own tears.
I grieved over a lost love, a love that lasted 23 years and then in a day was over, but not for me. At first, being so close to the Lord and still hearing from Him, my grief was in moderation and probably healthy in some respect. But then something else took over. Was it fear? Was it loneliness? Was it rejection? Was it all of this and more? Everything has its root in fear, I believe.
Whatever it was, that's when the lost love became the "god" in my life, for that is where my time and energy and focus remained. Suddenly there was no more room in my life for the LORD. And no matter how much I recognized it, I couldn't seem to get out from under it.
I felt trapped.
Utterly and completely trapped. Helpless to do anything other than cry out to God, "Help me! I need your help! I cannot remain in this and live! Yet I cannot get out of the death grip that this grief has on me! Help me, please, I am begging even though I feel that I have no right to even beg, because in so many ways I made this bed that I am now lying in. Please forgive me! Please help me! I need your mercy and your grace. Please, God, please, please help me!"
And finally, this morning, after more than two years, I heard that voice again. His voice saying this to me:
"I gave you My authority so that your life would be a witness of my glory, as you lived a life that would declare to the world that I am sufficient for you."
Busted! That's what I felt. This was truth from the mouth of God that cut to my core, because my life had not been a witness of God's glory for a good part of the past two years. I had been wallowing in self-pity and fear.
And even though great was my conviction, yet so much greater was my relief!
There it was! His voice! Speaking to me again in what was both a statement of facts and a challenge as well.
Had Jesus Christ been sufficient for me? Had I not declared those words many times over during the course of forty years of knowing Him? Had I not spoken those very words in jail cells to sin's captives who desperately needed the hope that only Jesus could give? Had I not written them in letters written to those captives? Had I not taught that precept in women's bible studies many times over? Had it not been by His authority that I had walked into those prisons and spoken to folks who either needed to hear about Him for the first time in their lives or else just needed to be reminded of His love for them even though they had walked away from Him?
I could never have faced them without Him going before me, without Him sending me, without Him giving me the very words to speak, for no matter how much I tried to prepare ahead of time, He always changed it on me anyway. And while I am not a quick thinker, I quickly learned how to submit to His Spirit's leading. I couldn't have done any of it without Him. Not possible. Not for me.
So what was different about this morning? Why had I struggled for two years now? And yet this morning, it seemed so easy, so simple!
It was because with this beloved voice that I had so longed to hear again, came that special thing that I desperately needed to be reminded of in my battle-weary state: that I am loved because God is who He is. Not loved because of the number of my works or successes, not judged by my lack of works or failings, but loved simply because God's faithful love is unconditional to those He has "called out" to be His own. And He will finish the work He has begun in them.
I heard all of that and more:
You are still mine. I am not done with you yet. Yes, you've fallen down, bruised yourself badly with the fall, and I know how much it hurts, but just get up and let's go forward again. You can do this, because I am here to lift you. I am here. You are not alone and never have been for even one moment. You have not been rejected, no matter what lies you have believed from the enemy. You have been chosen. Long ago. That choosing never changed, never ended. Now get up and let's get going again. There's still time left. There's still my energy for you to draw upon. There is still my strength. This is not the day that you die. Let's go. Are you ready?
I am so ready and I am so grateful, so filled with joy, so at peace now that I have heard His voice once more. Nothing has changed in my world, and yet everything has changed.
Yesterday, everything seemed insurmountable. I felt trapped in a life that I could not get out of.
Today, I have been set free...again...and have received the power to overcome again just by hearing His voice speaking to me once more. Power to break the chains of this grief and sorrow and self-judgment I have been carrying for so long.
Because Jesus Christ is sufficient for me. He is all that I need.
And He will direct my steps so that my life declares this truth to all the world around me.
If I will let Him.
Thank you, Jesus. Yes, I am ready....
I am ready to go forward...
but only with YOU!
5 comments:
I told G that you were back online via the blog. I am so happy to read all you have learned. I have wondered about you as G and I have been what feels like trudging through life from day to day. We too have faced some giants the world has thrown at us. God has been faithful as I claim scripture and hymns from my childhood till now.
I miss getting together with family through reunions. We've all gone our separate ways within individual families and as a whole. I have found a huge place to put a stake down to help me through church and numerous pastors and devotions G has sent me. I wanted you to know I was thinking about you and I am once again so glad to know you are here again. By the way this is our homepage so we have noticed your absence. Please call or email when you get a chance.
May God bless you,
Marty
First, may I say how glad I am that you have once again started posting. I have missed our quiet times together. And after reading this post, I can understand why you haven’t posted anything in a long time. As I read this heartfelt post, God is speaking out loud and clear. I am reminded about others who are out their hurting. And, I realize that I am not alone.
I have become so self-absorbed and focused solely on myself that I have forgotten about others. Reading your post and seeing the raw emotion within it, I see much of what I have felt for many years. I am so very glad that you are hearing God’s voice. I am still in the process of being able to hear God. I think I hear it, but then it’s gone.
Going to church has been such a struggle for me for a very long time. I look around and see all of these people singing, with smiles on their faces, enjoying their time in worshiping God. And, as I stand there, tears begin rolling down my checks (much like they are now) as I wonder how can I feel that feeling again.
I feel so a lone. Forgotten and wonder where God has been.
Oh, I know, He’s here, but I can’t see Him. Can’t touch Him. And, am having difficulties hearing Him.
Let me tell you a story that happened recently, it describes how I feel. Last Sunday, I came from my Mom’s (where I had stayed for the weekend). Driving up my driveway, I see a baby Wren, who had fallen out of its nest. Its mother was trying to take care of it and continued to feed her baby. Unable to locate the nest, we contacted the local animal refuge center and asked for suggestions of what we should do. They said if the mother had not abandoned the bird, to take a shoebox and rig it into the tree near the mother. We found a shoebox; fill it with shredded paper towels, being careful not to get any human scent on anything we placed in the box. Concocted a way, using hangers, to place the shoebox high in the tree, near its mother. We were able to coax the baby Wren into the box, place the box into the tree and we stood back feeling satisfied that we were able to help out a poor, defenseless creature. The mother Wren is near her baby as it sits on the edge of the shoebox. We walk inside.
Within 30 minutes, the wind begins to blow, the temperature drops 15-20 degrees and the rain begins to fall. Rain turns into marble size hail. After 30 minutes of rain and hail, its stops. We walk outside to see what had happened to the shoebox; only to find it barely hanging in the tree and no sign of the mother or baby Wren.
What conclusion did I have after this experience - - why did we even bother to help the baby Wren?
I feel like the baby Wren in the shoebox - - hail, wind, and rain are bombarding me on all sides. I feel helpless and ALONE! My heart knows that is not so and so does my brain. I know God is with me, Christ, our Savior is with me, and His Holy Spirit lives inside of me. But, I hear that faint whisper - - of doubt.
I am tired. Tired of running the race, fighting the fight. I’m just so very tired.
Prayers and love are headed your way from me.
G.W.
Wow, Marty, you guys have had a rather dull homepage for quite some time now...sorry about that! How boring did it get looking at the same thing day after day, but how thankful I am that it is your homepage and we could connect once more. Distance is such a divider of families, isn't it? Even just living across a big city from one another can be a challenge to see family, but several states apart (and on a tight budget) is pretty much an impossibility. You are blessed in your area to have a large choice of churches to choose from...not all areas, such as my own, offer a choice. I, for example, have a very small good church that I belong to, where I love the people and they love me, but still they weren't able to help me through this two year period. I believe it has a lot to do with whether or not the brother or sister you are looking to for prayer and support have ever experienced what you are experiencing. Without that experience, we just speak platitudes into a situation that needs much more than that to help it. I don't blame my church for not being able to help me through this, but if I had been in a big city or perhaps better connected to a larger group of believers, perhaps I would have found good sound help...the kind that weeps with you when you weep, or rejoices with you when you rejoice. Often, we believers, not understanding the pain and suffering involved, want to push someone out of their weeping and into joy too quickly. And that is just another form of denial, which is what we go through when we grieve anyway, at least one stage of it. Jesus said, "Weep with those who weep..." He didn't say go snap them out of it by setting an example of joy for them to model. I often just needed someone I could voice my thoughts and feelings to, someone to share my grief with. But I am in a "happy" church, where "happy" is important, perhaps because it is difficult to deal with sorrow for long. And I couldn't share with close family because they were hurt by the divorce as well and thought I should just easily and quickly move on. But I couldn't. I hope you have a good men's group in your church or at least one or two men to support you in your walk. Men whom you can be perfectly candid with, who will weep when you need to weep, and rejoice when you rejoice. Men who will give you such encouragement during the weeping that you never have a chance to bury yourself in self-pity...the biggest danger of all with any struggle, I think, next to actually falling into bigger sins. You and G have always been such a blessing to me, such an encouragement. I wish I could have shared this pain all along, but it was a "night season" and I felt I had nothing anyone could benefit from, so I remained silent. I praise the Lord for giving me back my voice in a sense. It might be a little slow in coming, but it will get where it needs to be, I know. He is so faithful. I am praying for your giants and for God's blessings in your lives. J
G, we are in such a sin-filled world that sometimes even the baby birds aren't spared, and mother birds lose that which they have worked so hard for to just keep alive. And sometimes human babies aren't spared, and human mothers are left with enormous emptiness and sorrow. The news is depressing, fear surrounds us at times as we wait for the evil to reach our shores and our doorsteps and we attempt to figure out what our response should be from a Christian standpoint, evil abounds all around, and it all makes us want to stay home and crawl into our shells of safety and security for as long as we can call it secure and safe.
And we wonder where God is.
I have done so over the past two years. More than that, I think I became angry at God for allowing it all to happen as it did. And I have never agreed with people who said "I just told God I was mad at Him!" If I heard that I would tremble for them, telling GOD that they, mere humans, were angry with HIM??? How dared they even think they had the right to be angry? This is GOD we are talking about. His ways are not our ways, we cannot begin to understand the goodness He has planned for us, even if that goodness can only come out of situations that appear hopeless. I absolutely believed everything I said to myself. Then God put it to the test, and as I said, I was busted.
And then one day, quite a long ways into this "night season" as I have heard others call it, I was honest with myself for a moment and realized, with trembling, that I was angry with God. The reasons for this are for a future blog, so I won't get into them for now. They aren't really important. The honesty with myself was the important thing.
Everything you spoke in your comment was honest. Doubt. Alone. Helpless. Hopeless. Tired. Tired of "playing church." The battle has been going on for too long. There appears to be no end in sight. You cannot go on like this.
I know, G. I know.
I have screamed these things to God. I have sobbed and sobbed and cried out to Him, but I got nothing in return.
So for a brief moment, I walked away from God. Decided to go be happy as the world seems to be. But discovered, I think by God's grace, that the world is tired, and filled with doubt, and hopeless, and helpless, and lonely. And folks go out dancing and drinking and trying to find something to assuage the deep undercurrent of fear and loneliness that they still go home with, no matter how many nights they are out each week, no matter how much they drink, or do drugs, to escape. And they are very very alone.
And the only thing that helped me at all, is that I had to wonder how they lived in this world without GOD, and I became thankful that I at least knew Him. Even though I couldn't hear Him at the moment, I at least knew that I knew Him. And for that moment, it had to be enough. It was all I had. So I clung to it the best I could and my grip was not all that strong, but I held on.
In this moment, it is all that you have too. And it will have to be enough. For the moment you will have to cling to it, whether you trust it or not...just cling to it. And don't let go.
Your honesty is the first step towards a kind of renewal or a restoration might be a better word. And it will come. As I and M and others pray and continue to pray for you, the rest will come. God is a God of restoration...and sometimes He tears down the shaky structure in order to build up the solid one that cannot be shaken. Remember this year is the Shemitah year...in which everything that can be shaken will be shaken. It is a year of purification. Thank the Lord that He is showing you what to hold onto and what to let go of. And if you can't see it clearly yet, you will.
It will come. I have faith enough for you. In the meantime, just cling to what you know, whether you feel it or not. Let everything else fall away in honesty, and God will build you up in TRUTH. He is doing that to me even now. It will come to you too. I know.
I love you. G and am praying for you.. We are in this together, you are not alone. You are the church and I am the church and M is the church. And together, with Christ as our head, we cannot help but overcome. J
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