Defining Death to the Marriage Covenant, Part 3

I have done a lot of research into this subject, because it is one that affects me personally in so many areas, and after several weeks of blogging, I believe I am just now coming to a more clear understanding of how a marriage covenant dies. There is much trial and error and "testing" of our understanding when we study...we don't always proper understanding right off the bat...sometimes we have to get to the end of the study to know what it is we think we now know. And even then, the Lord might bring us back for greater understanding later on.

Which is why a blog, having very limited possibility of real discussion, is not a very valid source for finding the answers to truth.  The most a blog can do is cause someone else to turn to scripture to search for themselves. It is one individual at a time by which the church grows in wisdom and obedience. 

To gain scriptural knowledge begins with our own individual study; something I am convinced is neglected by many of us because of time issues, others neglect it because they lack the passion for study and find it an arduous task at best.  But scriptural studies also require prayer, wisdom, discernment and so much more, in order to rightly divide scripture...which is why we have a church body.  It takes all of us within the church, talking together (not just listening to sermons and going about our business for the week), but actually discussing among ourselves everything that the Lord is speaking to us, even challenging one another when necessary, in an attempt to understand the truth and not be led away into convenient and comfortable compromise. 

But there again, I have found very few folks (I can count them on one hand!) who are willing to risk the challenges that honest discussion brings.  I have found many more folks who will go only so far in the "work" of transformation that scripture study and prayer brings us, but then will sit down in the middle of the road and refuse to go any further when their traditions and the mindset that goes along with those traditions are questioned.

I want to go further than what I have been "told" by others.  I want to know why I believe what I believe, and if, as I study, I find that my understanding of what I believe isn't clear, then I want to dig deeper until my understanding is clear. I don't just want to taste of the food of life, I want to fill up on it! God says His Word is "food" to us. 

Imagine a family where each member sits down to enjoy a plate of spaghetti.  The small child mostly plays with his spaghetti, making a big mess all around his plate and all over his face, but leaves most of the food on the plate.  The teenage daughter is so worried about her figure that she hardly touches her plate either.  The mom is so pre-occupied serving everyone that she manages to eat only half.  But the husband, who has been working outside all day, is starving and not only eats all the spaghetti but wipes the plate sparkling clean with a piece of bread, soaking up every last bit of that which tastes so good!

When it comes to study of God's Word, I have a piece of bread in my hand, and I am soaking up every last detail of the Word that I can get onto that piece of bread!  I hope, when I have finished this topical study (and every study that follows after it), that I have not left the tiniest scrap of food on the plate....that's how hungry I am for truth!

There are others who eat lightly of the Word, who, either because of how it looks (i.e., they don't want to be too fanatic), or because of lack of love for the menu choice (they find scripture reading boring), or lack of strong taste buds for the flavor (they aren't even passionate about Christ, how could they be passionate about His Word?), they will not pick up the scrap of bread to get down to the very last morsels on the plate of scriptural study.

So, here is what I have satisfied my appetite with after cleaning my "separation, divorce and remarriage" plate with a scrap of bread (be prepared, this one will be even longer as it is the last day I will spend on this topic):

Rules for Marriage:
"Nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)

The first command goes to the husband (just as the command went to Adam in the Garden and not to Eve directly from God), showing that the husband has a greater responsibility as the elder or head of the woman. The husband is told to love his own wife, because a man's tendency is to love himself more than he does his wife. He can get so caught up in "providing" that he neglects his wife (and often even his children as well) becoming self-focused in all that he does, using the excuse of "providing" as the reason why he must neglect her, and at the same time demanding more and more from his wife to meet his own needs, while he neglects hers.  His wife, who is caretaker to so many, needs encouragement and nurturing from her husband in order to persevere in the work of the Lord that He has given her to do.

The woman is told to respect her husband because she has a tendency to "direct" her husband in the same way she does her children...it is often difficult for her to not treat the husband as a child, when the biggest part of her life is spent in guiding and directing children.  It is important that she remember to treat her husband as a man, and an equal, not as a child.  This is just as important at the beginning of married life as it is in the latter years of married life. Folks will know if a woman respects her husband by the manner in which she speaks both to and of him: she will either hold him in high regard, or with some measure of contempt.

Tony Evans says it this way in his book "Divorce and Remarriage":

"In essense, he is to massage her heart, while she is to massage his head. A husband massages his wife's heart by leading in love, spiritually nurturing her, and cherishing his wife.  He is to sacrifice whatever is necessary to help her develop into all God has destined her to be.  A wife, on the other hand, is to respect her husband and hold him in high esteem, recognizing his position of leadership in the home.  This involves a submission that uses all of her gifts, skills, and abilities under the leadership of her husband to promote God's agenda for the members of the family.  Only when husbands and wives fulfill their God-ordained roles can they expect to experience God's blessing and power in the covenant of marriage."

Together, when fulfilling each one's roles according to God's will for their marriage, both individuals in the marriage will become faithful servants of the Lord, being encouraged by one another to be such.  There will be freedom for each to do their work for the Lord without jealousies or envy for one another; in other words there will be no covetousness or "one-up-manship" in regards to the success of their individual ministries.  Neither, when free in the Lord, will be "needy" or jealous of the time the other spends working for the Lord, for all duties as well as nurturing will still be fulfilled even with limited time; the focus will always be on serving the Lord, not on themselves.

Separation and/or Divorce:
In the case of two believing spouses, when either party to a marriage covenant leaves their spouse or sends their spouse out of the home in separation (or divorce), it is only permissible if the church agrees that there are valid reasons to do so, and such separation/divorce would not occur until after much work has been done by all parties involved (including church leadership) to resolve the marital issues that have brought this move about. Sometimes a separation jolts one party or the other into accepting responsibility for their actions, and waking up to the reality of all that will be lost if they continue in their sinful ways.  But it is very risky business, as both parties are then in painful and vulnerable positions, making them more susceptible to influences from without that might lead one or the other into sexual immorality (which would actually be adultery as the marriage covenant was not yet scripturally dissolved.)  Separation is to be risked mostly in cases where the sin of one party is extreme, such as is seen with physical or sexual abusers (i.e., where wives or children have to leave for their own protection) or when the husband is willfully not providing for his family, and has then abandoned them.  But when there are no valid reasons, here is the instruction of the Lord.  Even though this scripture begins by addressing the wife (possibly because becing the weaker vessel emotionally she might be the one most susceptible to leaving) still there is no reason to not believe it applies to husbands as well.

"And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife." (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

If you choose to leave your spouse for reasons that are not valid in God's eyes, then you are required to remain unmarried or to be reconciled to your spouse.  In so many cases, Christians either have not been taught properly (focus often is on "Let not the wife depart from her husband..." while the remainder of the instruction is neglected) or their own unrepentant hearts bring them to a place of even greater rebellion by then entering into other relationships even while the first covenant is still alive.  There is often no hope for reconciliation after that.

Separation/divorce from an unbeliever, however, is a different matter:

"But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart.  A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace." (1 Corinthians 7:15)

BUT, a Christian who refuses to heed warnings from spouse, other brothers and sisters, and the entire church as a whole (according to the instructions God has given us on how to deal with unrepentant sin in a believer) is considered spiritually dead, and the marriage covenant dies along with his or her spitirual rebellion, leaving the spouse free to not only separate and divorce, but if they desire, even to remarry. What are some of the unrepentant sins that lead to spiritual death?  Addiction to pornography by either husband or wife, anger that leads to violence or physical or mental abuse by either husband or wife, abandonment by either party, a husband who does not provide (not because of the current economy, but because of laziness and a refusal to work which is another form of abandonment), drunkenness, illegal drug use, criminality (stealing, embezzling, so many other crimes of the state), addictions that destroy the family framework (including addictions to alcohol, illegal drugs, gambling)...what have I left out?  Can you see how these sins, when not repented of, prove a man or woman to be spiritually dead, thus making the marriage covenant dead as well?

Remarriage:
Let's go back for a moment to the example given of the elder who had been married twice, and became a Christian in the middle of his second marriage.  Was the church lax in appointing him to the position of elder?  Or were they only lax in not giving due diligence to researching his history before appointing him to such a position?  Or were they diligent in every respect? Both would depend on the facts involved.

Let's assume that his first wife was an unbeliever, as he himself was at the time.  Two spiritually dead people do not have a God-ordained marriage covenant between them.  God does not recognize either of them as His own and is not a "witness" to their union; thus the first marriage was not valid. 

When the man became saved, during the second marriage, God then became a "witness" to his marriage, whether his spouse was a believer or not (for a believing spouse sanctifies the unbelieving spouse making it an acceptable union in God's eyes).  If the spouse was a believer, all the better, as it should alleviate the difficulties that arise from a union in which one holds a Christ-centered view and the other holds a world-centered (or self-centered) view. So, yes, the man who has been chosen to be an elder in this case, if he meets all the other qualifications for an elder, is not unrepentant towards God and will most likely be a good protector of the church.

If, however, he had been a Christian at the time of his first marriage; and if his second wife was also a believer, and if both of them had divorced their former spouses wth no scriptural cause (as is prevalent even within the church in this day of casual marriage and divorce) then is he the man for the job?  His first marriage covenant has been dissolved, but only because of his sin of adultery with the second wife, who also is guilty of adultery because she married a man who was not divorced according to scripture:

"It was said, Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." (Matthew5:31-32)

If the former situations (divorcing without just cause) have not been repented of, because either the parties are keeping them in the dark or because the church leadership has not been diligent to do the research and require such repentance (and the fruit of it) before making the appointment, then there can be no blessing to come from this appointment.  Even if the man divorced his first wife for no valid reason, other than that he was too weak to remain in the marriage, I would hope he was at least obedient enough to not enter into another marriage, as the Word enjoins.  In that case, he would indeed be the husband of one wife still (as the marriage union was not officially dissolved in the eyes of God and the church), but if he is not able to order his own household properly, being weak as shown from past history, then perhaps he is not the best choice for an elder, for he has to have the strength and resolution necessary to resolve church matters, and yet was unable to resolve his own personal matters. 

In ALL of the above issues, how important is the WORD of GOD to us, both individually, but also as a church body?  How much time and effort are we willing to give to rightly dividing the Word of God?  Are we willing to let the body of Christ, our brothers and sisters help us in making the right choices?  Is the church leadership willing to do the hard work necessary to protect ALL of its own without bias, but simply according to scripture?  Are we as individuals, when considering separation to be our only recourse, still willing to separate when the Word commands us to remain unmarried or to reconcile if we do leave our spouses? 

Or do we just want what we want?

I might not have it all right here...I am only one voice. But I hope, if you are not in agreement, that you will add your voice to this blog, rather than leave things unsaid and possibly never return because of disagreement.

And, I hope, in any case, that those who have struggled with whether or not their decisions were right in God's eyes concerning their own separation, divorce, or remarriage, have either found that answer here, or are now intent to resolve the matter completely via their own study of scripture and much. much prayer.

Defining Death to a Marriage Covenant, Part 2

The Greek word for adultery found in the New Testament is moicheuo, meaning illicit sexual conduct of a married person or with a married person.  Adultery is a physical violation of the marriage covenant.  The Old Testament clearly describes it as a physical act involving one's body, rather than of the mind only (as in lustful thoughts). Adultery, in the Old Testament, was punishable by the death of the two people involved (Leviticus 20:10).

The word illicit means: not lawful, not allowed or approved by common custom, rule or standard. That could mean anything by today's ever-morphing societal standards where good is evil and evil is good, but then again, we are only concerned with God's standards and what God approves of although in some cases, civil law has agreed with God in declaring certain acts unlawful. Still, while we obey the law of the land (as long as it does not violate God's law) it is only God to whom we hold ourselves accountable and, thus, His standards are the ones we enjoin.

Matthew 19:9 uses the term "sexual immorality" or the Greek word porneia (from which the word pornography comes) which means again "illicit (or unlawful) sexual intercourse." Strong's Concordance goes on to give examples of illicit sexual intercourse according to the Word of God: adultery, fornication, sexual intercourse with close relatives, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals (Leviticus 18:1-23) AND sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman (Matthew 19:9)

Jesus (in Matthew 5:28) expanded upon the definition of adultery bringing it to a spiritual level, rather than physical only, by saying that it involved the mind as well, in that as one dwelt in lustful thoughts the adultery was already being committed. What Jesus was doing was illuminating man's sin, comparing it to the physical act of adultery and causing men to recognize that they were still guilty of death even if they had not physically violated the marriage covenant; this is death in the spiritual sense as that is what the result of sin must be if not repented of.

Tony Evans (the only Christian author I have found so far who will address these issues of Divorce and Remarriage head-on in his book by the same title, and who is also a well-recognized pastor and teacher who takes quite a bit of flack for his stance on biblical correctness within the church) recognizes "spiritual death" as a valid reason for divorce, calling it "covenantal death in relation to a marriage."  Spiritual death is that which occurs when a person is unrepentant of his sin and chooses to continue in it, which explains the statement of Jesus to the follower who asked to be allowed to just go bury his father before he joined Jesus: "Let the dead bury the dead" (Matthew 8:22).  He was referring, of course, to the "spiritually dead."

The "spiritually dead" can be found inside of churches as well as outside.  This is important to remember when leaders are called upon to rule in marital issues. Listen to Paul's words to the Corinthians:

"I wrote with you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people - not at all meaning the people of this world [outside the church] who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolators.  In that case you would have to leave this world.  But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolator or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler.  Do not even eat with such people....expel the wicked person from among you." (1 Corinthians 5:9-13)

Most churches today would never think of expelling from their midst a believer who sins. I was once in a church where such a person attended.  In fact, I considered that person my friend, until I found out that she was having an affair with a married man, and was not even bothering to hide the fact from those around her. I went to her and (truly with much love) rebuked her begging her to end the relationship, showing her the scriptures that described what her sin was doing to God and to herself, warning her of the consequences that would surely follow, not only to herself but possibly her own children, if she did not end the relationship.  She would not receive it.  I then went to the Pastor of the church and asked him to intervene.  He took it to other members of leadership in the church, and the decision was made to show "grace" by speaking to her but taking no further disciplinary action.  A year later, she was still attending that same church and was still continuing in the illicit relationship, even to the extent of bringing her married boyfirend to the church to attend her mother's memorial service. As for me, I withdrew my association with her, not because I didn't love her, but because God told me (through His Word) that this was necessary for her sake. There will be times when we stand alone, but stand (in obedience to the Lord) we must.

Paul's instruction to a similar situation was: "hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord." (I Corinthians 5: 5) 

Obviously this man was "spiritually dead" and Paul was seeking to save his spirit by removing him from the privileges contained within the church fellowship; a thing that would be considered harsh and unloving by today's standards.

But what do we do when a believer is married to such a person, where sin is rampant, yet they both attend church?  Are we to disassociate ourselves from an unrepentant person, but force the believing spouse to continue to not only associate but live intimately with such a person, even if the physical act of adultery has not occurred?

Tony Evans doesn't think so: "Sinners are spiritually dead.  So even if this person is a Christian, you treat him as though he were a sinner with the sentence of death over him.  What about his marriage if he is married?  Well, if he is dead, then  his marriage is dead, and his wife is free under the provisions of Romans 7 and 1 Corinthians 7:39."

He refers us to Paul's statements in Romans that "the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23) meaning spiritual death, that when a man dies any covenant that he is a part of is ended (Romans 7:1-2), and finally that death ends one covenant and allows us to then enter into a new covenant (Romans 7:4). The same must then apply to a marriage covenant when spiritual death by unrepentant sin occurs.

Thus, even though Tony is as set against divorce as God is and most Christians are, and considers divorce to be an extreme final measure only (believing even in cases concerning adultery that where true repentance is, forgiveness and reconciliation are possible), still he suggests that scripturally there are three ways in which "spiritual death" can occur in the marriage covenant that should be considered by the church to be valid reasons for divorce (note especially item number 3):

"Let me summarize the three realms where divorce is permissible, each involving some level of spiritual death:

1) When a  mate enters into an illegitimate covenant by committing immorality with another person or persists in any other form of immoral activity (Leviticus 18:1-23).
2) When a Christian is abandoned by a non-Christian.
3) When a Christian is living in the realm of spiritual death through unrepentant spiritual rebellion and it has been officially recognized by the church, so that this person's mate is declared eligible for a certificate of divorce."

Unrepentant sin, according to Paul, for which a believer must be expelled from Christian association involves much more than sexual immorality, remember.  Thus item number 3 above is not just about unrepentant sexual immorality. Many unrepentant sins can kill a marriage covenant, all of which involve some form of pride which is deadly.

And, with any sin, we must not wander away from the Bible's definition of repentance which means "to turn away from altogether"...not just saying , "Sorry, I won't do that again" and then "slipping up" as we like to call our continuance in sin. Biblically, the fruit of repentance must be seen (Matthew 3:8; Ephesians 5:8-9).

In the next posting, we will discuss more specifically the "adultery" that happens when spouses divorce and/or remarry others.

Defining Death to a Marriage Covenant, Part 1

One of the most difficult things for us to do as Christians is to speak the truth, and speak it in love, without compromising the truth in any sense.  I am very passionate about scripture, and while I don't always speak as gently as I could, it doesn't mean that I don't feel for those who are struggling or have struggled with the issue we are discussing: separation, divorce and remarriage.

I myself have struggled with those things; and when I ask how it is that we are so full of self-pity, I speak to myself first...for I know what Christ suffered for me.  And who am I to whine about my circumstances, rather than trust in God completely and move forward; rather than let the enemy hold me back by my self-pity? While I have given the enemy some ground with my self-pity, I have managed also to take a lot of that ground back for the Lord by recognizing it and repenting of it.  That is what I am attempting to encourage many in our churches to also do.  Recognize what self-pity and jealousy does in terms of holding back the work of the Lord through you, and push through to higher ground! God has high standards for us that He will not compromise because of our feelings. We must get past feelings and live up to God's higher standards, regardless of how it "feels." For we know His high standards have been set high out of his boundless love for us!

The next two or three days' subject is perhaps even more delicate than all that we have discussed before, because there are many wounded who have suffered through some of the things we are going to talk about.  I pray right now for the Lord to give me wisdom in how to speak truth, without compromise, but also in love.

So, what is the scriptural definition of "marriage covenant death?" In  other words, back to the prior posting for a moment, could a man be husband of only one wife even if he has had two altogether?

The easiest answer comes when the first wife dies; the husband is released from that marriage covenant by death, and, of course, he is free to remarry and would be considered the "husband of one wife" in the context of the scripture passage in 1 Timothy 3.

The answer is more difficult to arrive at when various other factors enter in:  divorce, remarriage, saved or not saved, length of time saved (maturity in the Lord), unresolved strongholds of sin, adultery, physical abuse, irresponsibility, and so much more.  And that is what we will begin to tackle today.

"God hates divorce." Sadly, this is how most churches "counsel" the wounded who are struggling through difficult marriages. I, myself, received such counsel 27 years ago from my church at that time, in response to my wanting to take my children and run from my husband who I had discovered was a pedophile (of his own children and others as well.)   What I took away from that meeting is that I was the problem, not my husband (whom I later divorced when even much Christian counseling could not cause him to cease his proclivities. It took a court of law to stop him.) This is what churches who are lazy will do: they will hurt the one who "voices" that they are struggling, judging their honest cries for help as weak and sinful, without digging deeper into the complaints to see if they are valid.

"It just might be that we do not know the entire series of events that led to the destruction of the marriage.  How an individual relates to or interacts with friends or coworkers isn't always an indicator of how that person treats his or her spouse.  In fact, in many of the divorce situations I have counseled involving a spouse who is physically or emotionally abusive, the individual is charming and well-liked publicly.  Public behavior is not always the best indicator of private behavior." (Tony Evans, Divorce and Remarriage.)

Such was my spouse at the time. And I, wounded by the church's lack of diligence to protect its own, stayed away from all churches for ten long isolated years. Yes, the church was in error, both in truth (as I will explain further along) and in love.  Truth in that church became legalistic death for me.

And yes, I was also wrong.  Not in divorcing my husband, but in allowing my hurt to give the enemy ground in my life; keeping me from being a part of a church family (albeit a different one perhaps) that would have encouraged me to stay on the straight and narrow path, rather than the worldly path that I took as a result.

None of that takes away from the fact that God hates divorce, that is uncompromised truth.  But it is incomplete and dangerous counsel if the "whole" Word of God is not also considered. The serpent in the Garden was master of incomplete truths (aka lies.)

For example, what else does God hate?  Does God hate pedophiles?  Does He hate adultery?  Does He hate a violent man?  Does He hate a sluggard who will not work or provide for his family?  Does He hate a woman who gossips all over town while ignoring her duties to her husband and children? Does He hate pornography? Drugs? Emotional or spiritual abuse?

Tomorrow, we will begin to delve into these sins and how they affect the marriage covenant.  Our first topic will be adultery.











 

Rightly Dividing the Word of God

I want to respond to a comment that was left on yesterday's posting, which I hope will be read by anyone who read yesterday's blog.  Two questions were asked:  1) "..divorce happens and the application of one wife is clear. But...one wife at a time or ever?" and 2) "I wonder how many divorced couples...are shunned by the church who if welcomed might serve God in all ways imaginable.  Might some in the church change their mind?"

In addressing both questions, let me begin with this statement that is critical, I believe, in how we view leaders in the church versus non-leaders: God's own Word seems to indicate to me that He places more responsibility on leaders (such as pastors and teachers) than on others in the church, and thus more accountability:

"Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves; for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief..." (Hebrews 13:17)

"Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: This is what the sovereign Lord says: Woe to you shepherds of Israel who only take care of yourselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock?...you have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured.  You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost.  You have ruled them harshly and brutally.  So they were scattered...and when they became scattered they became food for all the wild animals....therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the Lord: This is what the sovereign Lord says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock..." (Ezekiel 34:1-10)

Here is yet another scripture passage, "To whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48).  Is this not speaking of shepherds as well; of the souls that are "given" to pastors and elders so that they might teach or disciple those souls correctly; just as Jesus was "given" certain men to teach and disciple?

"And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began. I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world.  They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything that you have given me comes from you.  For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them." (John 17:6-8)

The Father still "gives" those souls who are to be part of a church body to the shepherd who is to feed and protect them; and the Father "gives" the food (words) that are to be fed (taught) to the flock.  This is a big responsibility to one called or elected to be a pastor or elder.

The teachings that "feed" the flock must be the words that the Father Himself has given to the pastor/teacher/elder through the Word of God, rather than the pastor/teacher/elder's own thoughts and words; thus humility helps one to do as Jesus did, not walking by his own ways, but only as the Father is leading him.  When humility is absent, much damage can be done to the sheep. 

There is definitely much more required of those who are in leadership, and for good reason: when public teachers and leaders, such as the Jimmy Swaggarts and the Jim Bakkers, fall in the Christian world, then "great" is the fall (Matthew 7:27), especially in the secular world where any scandal among Christians is eagerly grabbed hold of in order to justify the world's rejection of all things Christian, and, in their minds, allowing them to continue in their rebellion against the Most High God.

Thus, church leaders must be carefully chosen according to the Word of God rather than according to popularity or any other criteria. Yes, the authority to choose such leaders is placed in the hands of the church, but the God-given instructions on how to choose such leaders must be observed completely or disaster will follow. "A king who is not subject to God becomes subject to the devil." (Dr. Del Tackett, The Truth Project).

So, if, for example, God's Word says an elder must be the husband of one wife, then how important might it be for the church to take time and care to rightly divide that Word, rather than to quickly assume a rule that is either overly-legalistic and harsh, or lax in their thinking that it must be better to err in grace than err without grace?  Why not spend time to get it right, rather than take the easy, lazy way out and jump to whatever "feels" right?

I am not suggesting we over-do it as the church in yesterday's posting did to the pastor whose wife divorced him; again, they were divorced only in the eyes of the civil authorities, but they answer to a higher authority who had not to my knowledge given authority for the marriage covenant to be dissolved.  The church therefore stepped outside of its God-given authority, by overstepping what the Word of God instructs.

But neither is the more lax church in a better position.  Best yet is a church who follows the Word of God explicitly, AND in love.  Such love will never contradict the Word, but will be completely obedient to the Word, or it is not love.  The chuch has gone overboard in its "touchy-feely" love, susbsituting that kind of love for the Godly love that wants the best for others.  Godly love encourages each other towards obedience to God for eternal rewards; strengthening the church to endure injustices and persecutions, counting it as "all joy" to endure such suffering. Touchy-feely love, that is not Godly, wants to make sure everyone feels good and everyone likes everyone else.

God is more concerned with holiness, and righteousness, than He is about our self-esteem. After all, our purpose is to bring GOD glory, not ourselves. One who feels self-pity because he or she is not in the position of leadership that they believe they should have, is not serving for God's purposes but for their own agenda.  I want to refer once more, this time in detail, to David and the building of the temple, which clearly shows David's humility in obedience to God's will. These are David's words:

"Listen to me, my fellow Israelites, my people. I had it in my heart to build a house as a place of rest for the ark of the covenant of the Lord, for the footstool of our God, and I made plans to build it.  But God said to me, You are not to build a house for my Name, because you are a warrior and have shed blood." (1 Chronicles 28:2-3)

Thus, by God's own Word, David, the King of Israel, was not allowed to build the temple which forever after was known as Solomon's Temple since Solomon, David's son by Bathsheba, was the one God chose to build it.

Will we call God harsh and brutal, or say that He did not treat David with grace and love because David missed out on the "honor" of building it?   After all, it could have been known as David's Temple, not Solomon's Temple! Should David have retreated in disgrace, walking completely away from God because he was no longer in the forefront, as so many Christians do in similar situations of God's sovereignty today?

If David had gone to sulk, he would have missed out on being used by God in a different but still extremely vital way: as the conduit for the inspiration of the temple's design.

"Then David gave his son Solomon the plans for the portico of the temple, its buildings, its storerooms, its upper parts, its inner rooms and the place of atonement.  He gave him the plans of all that the Spirit had put in his mind for the courts of the temple of the Lord and all the surrounding rooms, for the treasuries of the temple of God and for the treasuries for the dedicated things.  He gave him instructions for the division of the priests and Levites, and for all the work of serving in the temple of the Lord....he designated the weight of gold for all the gold articles to be used in various kinds of service...He also gave him the plan for the chariot, that is the cherubim of gold that spread their wings and overshadow the ark of the covenant of the Lord.  All this, David said, I have in writing as a result of the Lord's hand on me, and He enabled me to understand all the details of the plan." (1 Chronicles 28:11-19)

Wow!  David was used even in these later years in a prophetic appointing of everything pertaining to the temple of God.  But would he have been, had he not been humble and allowed himself to be overshadowed by the one who would follow him as future king of Israel?  If he had not been humble, David would have gone the way of Saul, who was jealous of God's anointing over David.  We have those who are moved by jealousy in our churches still.

But here is what is vital to us:  David was not chosen because God's temple was HOLY, containing HIM and representing HIS NAME.  David had blood on his hands; can things of death touch that which is holy? Weren't those things considered unclean?

God still used David greatly, but not in the things that were sacred and holy in the place where God Himself would live. Could this be why God holds elders and deacons (those who govern His body, His temple; those who lead and feed his sheep) to an even higher standard of holiness than the rest of us?  Could it also be because the responsibility and thus the accountability is so much greater that, out of love, He will not put at risk those who are not proven and solid in their faith as evidenced by their life experiences?  Need it be a tool of punishment if we are not chosen to be elders and deacons because our lives have not lined up, even in the past, with the Word of God?  Mightn't it instead be a tool of divine protection from a loving Father? But often, we judge the Word of God as being too harsh, and not relevant to our times, and go our own ways instead, contrary to the Word of God.

Then there is self-pity. Self-pity is a tool that the devil uses to hinder our usefulness to God.  It is something EVERY Christian must guard against, especially if they have been ill-treated by other church members or leadership or by brothers and sisters in the church; and especially if they are given to being jealous. To guard against self-pity, we must recognize always that God is a sovereign God who remains in control even when the worst of unjust situations happens to us (as it did to Joseph at the hand of his own brothers!)

In all of this, we are trying to rightly divide the Word of God and thus all of these issues must be hashed out in a sense.  We must not take the quick and easy way out.  We must dig into the hard issues and face them head on.  We cannot run and hide from hard issues, either as a church or individually.

Now, I end this posting with a question of my own that is also a result of the comment to yesterday's posting due to a statement that made me stop and think.  I don't know that my answer will match yours, or vice versa, but I think the discussion about it (if there is to be one) will help us as we continue in this study.

        Is the church today a democracy or a theocracy?

I will supply some additional information that might help us decide, taken from Noah Webster's 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language.*  Here are Webster's 1828 definitions for democracy and theocracy:

Democracy:
"Government by the people; a form of government in which the supreme power is lodged in the hands of the people collectively, or in which the people exercise the powers of legislation.  Such was the government of Athens."

Theocracy:
Government of a state by the immediate direction of God; or the state thus governed.  Of this species, the Israelites were an illustrious example.  The theocracy lasted til the time of Saul."

[*Note: Did you know that Noah Webster felt "called by God" to write a dictionary? Although I have not been able to access it myself yet, Webster apparently says such in his preface to his 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language, according to Dr. Del Tackett of The Truth Project. Webster believed that as God created the worlds by His spoken word and as He reveals himself to us by words as well, that the definitions of words were therefore very important, and thus he felt called by God to undertake the task of providing accurate and uniform definitions of words to Americans who, at the time, still believed that Christianity and morality were the most vital pillars of a free nation and its government. Imagine that!)

Separation, Divorce & Remarriage, Part 2

I want us to return, for a moment, to earlier passages of scripture that we reviewed in which Paul tells Timothy that both elders and deacons in the church must be the "husband of one wife." (please read 1 Timothy 3: 2-13 preferably in the KJV).

In my opinion, this means that the elder or deacon should be the husband of one wife in the most scriptural sense; meaning that, as Paul also discusses elsewhere in scripture, those passages that we have already discussed in this study, a spouse is not released from a marriage covenant except through death.

Now this is very difficult for us to comprehend in this day and age. And I will give you two examples of how I believe churches can mishandle this passage.

The first example is that of a church going beyond what scripture has told them to do:

This believer is a pastor of a church, whose wife divorced him.  (Remember that today it is possible to get a divorce whether you want a divorce or not.)  This particular man did not want this divorce.  Because of the divorce he not only lost a wife that he loved and full custody of his very small daughter as his wife now had custody leaving him with only visiting rights (again normal in today's divorces), but he was also made to step down from his position as pastor of the church by the board of his church.  Now, this man had not remarried, yet he was asked to step down simply because he was divorced.  (I do not know whether the wife remarried once she received her divorce, but we will assume for these purposes that she had not yet remarried.) Of course, this man was left devastated by all the losses he sustained.

From a scriptural standpoint, this man was still the husband of this one wife, whether she divorced him or not, because a death had not occurred. ["A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." 1 Cor. 7:34] That divorce was not valid in God's eyes.  The wife had not remarried, neither had the husband.  So why did the church remove him from his position?  Because they have gone beyond scripture in their legalism and determined that "divorce" can break a marriage covenant, even though God says it does not.  They were quick to remove the embarrassment of "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" (as the country western song goes) from their legalistic midst and they left a man devastated in their legalistic wake.

In the second example, a church board hires a believer to become their new pastor.  This man was married not once, but twice. He divorced his first wife, not even for unfaithfulness, but simply because of "unreconcilable differences" as civil law (not God's law) allows.  And then he remarried, and the woman he remarried had been divorced as well.  But the man was not a believer then.  He did not become a believer until about half-way through his second marriage, which is his current marriage. The church board deciced that everything that happened before he became a believer should not be considered.  Some of us have sinned greatly before we became believers, but God doesn't hold it against us once we have repented.  And so now, the only wife he is considered to have, by the church that hired him, is the one he currently has.

Yet, scripture says, an elder or deacon (in this case, a pastor is an elder) should be "the husband of one wife."  Do we then take that to mean one wife at a time, or one wife since he became saved, or simply as one wife "ever" because eternal covenants are involved?  This man is definitely a believer and is gifted as well, but is the church obedient to God's Word in making him their Pastor/Elder?

This second church has not been legalistic as the first church has, but might have erred in the matter of "grace" by hiring whom they believe will be of great benefit to their church.  But does our thinking count versus God's commands to us through His Word?   Do we ask ourselves "Why did God say this in His Word? And is it possible that we don't understand all that is involved, but God in His wisdom does, and has given us instructions that He simply expects us to observe and follow?"

I am using pastors as an example here, but the same applies to any and all of us.  Do any of us have the right to rationalize our way around God's Word?  How often do we do this, not only in the church, but in our own lives?  Or do we instead say "God says it, I believe it, and that's the end of it!"  Not allowing ourselves "wiggle-room."  And certainly not, as the first example shows, over-stepping what God has commanded, such as the scribes and Pharisees tended to do and were rebuked for.

Do we have to understand God's reasoning in order to agree with and do what God has said we need to do?  Or do we choose to do only that which sounds reasonable and logical to us in this modern day and age?  Are we, instead, to strive to never allow our own thoughts to over-ride what God has said to us?

How you answer these questions will be colored by your understanding (and possibly your past church traditions) of "legalism" and "grace."  

I wil leave you with one more thought.  David was a "man after God's own heart."  He sinned greatly.  God forgave him.  Much later, David wanted to build the temple, that which was known as the Lord's "house" at that time. But God had reasons for not allowing David to build His house.  Was God not being a God of grace to David?  Or does a Holy God require holiness in certain areas of our lives (His temple, His house: our own physical bodies), holding us to His higher standard, even while still being that God of grace who forgave David his terrible sin, as He forgives ours?

Separation, Divorce & Remarriage, Part 1

Ok, now we begin the toughest part of this study; the part that requires wisdom, discernment, and help from many sources and voices, rather than from just one person:  "Where no counsel is the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety." (Proverbs 11:14)

In the areas of when and whom to marry, when to separate and for what reasons, when and why to divorce, and if and when to remarry, no one is wise who relies on only their own opinion (or even that of an additonal person or two) concerning what God's Word declares in these matters.  Rather, wisdom requires hearing from a multitude of believers who are able to utilize all the gifts of the Spirit in forming a consensus that can then be determined to be from the Lord Himself, thus keeping us safe from falling (into sin.)

We have already discussed that the church therefore is the entity that must be given the opportunity to consider and decide on behalf of its members when it comes to giving Godly counsel that is confirmed by the Word of God.  Hopefully, the church to whom spouses having marital differences would appeal is large enough to have more than one or even two "designated" elders, for two does not warrant a "multitude" and safety is found only in a "multitude" of counselors.  And for good reason, as our all-too-human bias is less likely to flavor decisions of authority when there is a "multitude" involved.

So what can a small church do when they have but one or two elders to handle such cases?  I believe they might call in other members of the body in whom wisdom resides; perhaps those who are known to be obedient to the Word and very knowledgeable in the Word, and who have had successful marriages.  But if there is only one such couple available, again the multitude is lacking.  It is never wise to rely on counsel from one source, or in this case, one couple, no matter how successful their marriage.

Perhaps the church might also include in the governing body (concerning marital issues only) teachers who are knowledgeable in the Word and can be sure to point out most of the relevant scriptures relating to the issues at hand. 

Often, those who have suffered through divorce or separation or unequally-yoked marriages, can offer wisdom that has be gained through their own first-hand difficult experiences, but in those cases, as sin is often a part of wrong choices having been made, strong discernment is vital in choosing someone like this to be added to the "multitude" of counselors.  For example, have these folks shown current dedication and commitment to obedience and submission to the Lord in other areas of their life?  Or could unresolved sin issues that once drew them into bad marriages still be lurking in the background?  This is a difficult thing to determine, as it applies to even my own situation, but the truth is still the truth and that is that potentially anyone who has suffered through divorce, once, twice or even more times than that, could very much have unresolved sin that will not necessarily show up outside of the most intimate of relationships; in other words, only their current spouses, if there is one, would know. Often, the gift of discernment, again from the "multitude" rather than just one or two folks, is required to choose the proper counsellors to be included in the "multitude."  Sadly, in our ever-increasingly sinful society, where divorce is so prominent, such counsellors might be hard to come by.

Regardless of what is finally done, what must be done is a designation of such a "multitude" long before marital issues are ever presented to the church leadership for counsel and advice.  Haste in gathering such a group together would not be advisable.  It is something small churches, in my opinion, should consider even as they have, hopefully, considered what their benevolence guidelines are long before they are ever approached by individuals seeking aid.  Wise leadership should result in wise planning concerning all potential needs.

Only in the gathering of such a wise multitude, would I myself feel confident that I am being guided into the path of righteousness versus "church tradition" which can be uncompassionate and legalistic at best.  I am convinced that being encouraged to be obedient to the commandments of God, when done with compassion and love by caring church-family members, do not leave us feeling abused, trapped and hopeless, but strengthened, hopeful and cherished by both God and His church.

Contrarily, if members have no confidence in church leadership it could very well be that there is legalism involved which is an enforcement of the "letter" of the law, without the grace of the "Spirit" of the law being shown.  Such grace would involve deeply "hearing" the cries for help of one spouse or the other, and not responding hastily with trite "church-isms" that only wound those who are already wounded. 

When we truly listen and we truly care for even those who seem to be unlovable at times, and when we respond with love and compassion rather than "law" alone, we will see the "fruit" of our efforts born out in the marriages of those who sought our counsel.

As we get further along into the particulars of separation, divorce and remarriage, remember, in my opinion which I believe is based on the word of God (and not from only this one proverb above, but also seen in the example of the disciples and Paul in all issues that they were called on to rule upon) that all such decisions can only be made through this Godly "multitude." 

I do not advocate one party advising another when it comes to something as deeply spiritual and eternal as the marriage covenant which has God Himself as eternal witness.  I myself would not want to bear such responsibility alone.  I would want to be surrounded by the "safety" of the multitude through whom a Godly consensus can be trusted with great confidence.

 

Finding Joy

Many marriages dissolve when one of the parties leaves in order to find happiness which they believe cannot be found within the confines of their marriage.  Happiness is often considered synonymous with joy, but, because of the Word of God, I now believe that happiness and joy are not really the same, and that joy is instead synonymous with "gladness." In fact, most instances of the use of the word joy, in my King James version, are accompanied by the word gladness as if to confirm the description or meaning of joy.

Most of us do not understand that what we are truly seeking is not happiness, but joy. Here is a simple quote from C. S. Lewis that might help:

"Joy is never in our power....pleasure often is..." [From the book "Joy"]

What is in our power to find is only pleasure or a temporary happiness that comes from pursuing pleasures; but it is not joy.  And while some of us might have learned by now that we won't find the joy we want simply by pursuing pleasures or by becoming "free" from the "entanglement" of marriage, still there are many who don't realize that what C. S. Lewis says is true: it is not in our power to find joy...and joy IS what we want, whether we realize it or not!

True joy is a gift of the Holy Spirit and is given to us; we can't go get it. You notice I said "true" joy; the world is filled with imitations of joy - seducing lures that don't deliver what they advertise. We will settle for the imitations over and over again, until we come to understand that they can never satisfy.  We settle because we are seeking joy which we can never provide to ourselves, rather than seeking the giver of joy: the Lord.

On the hour and a half long drive to visit a jail inmate yesterday, I asked the Lord to show me how He was able to live as He did here on earth without fear and without feeling sorry for Himself for all that He had given up (as I often find myself feeling both in my current situation). I didn't get the answer right away, but I knew He would tell me for as far back as I can remember He has always answered my questions, fairly quickly actually.  I knew I just had to wait for it and it would come.

I went into the prison, met with the woman (with a glass partition between us) and we began to pray as we do twice a week now before we get into our bible study.  Only this time, before we began, she told me how thankful she was that we (myself and a friend of mine who is also part of this ministry every Sunday) were coming twice a week to pray with her and study God's Word with her (she is a very new Christian, a mother of four small children under the age of ten, who gave her life to the Lord only since entering the jail three and a half months ago, even though it sounded as though He had been pursuing her for quite some time). 

Of course, I was very happy to hear that we were blessing her.  But as I left the jail 45 minutes later, I realized that it wasn't happiness I was feeling; it was something much deeper than just happiness...it was "joy." It was then that I realized I had my answer...He had spoken to me through the woman in jail.

Jesus was able to lose all that He formerly had, live in relative poverty without even having a place to lay His head each night, and do so without fear or self-pity....because He had the supernatural "joy" of the Holy Spirit that comes of doing all that He did in obedience to God for the sake of those true children of God who would have very grateful hearts.  And His Word confirms the answer He spoke to my heart:

"Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2)

What greater joy can there be than to please God? It is a joy of unimaginable and eternal proportions, such that we humans find difficult to comprehend and which can never be found in earthly pleasures! And yet, the Father, in His grace, allows us to sample and to taste and to then declare, as with everything else that comes from Him: "it is good."

The problem with many marriages (although not all) is not the other person.  The problem is that we are not doing what the Lord would have us do, and thus we have no "joy."  And being released from our present circumstances (whether married or unmarried) will not bring us joy for we cannot find that for ourselves on our own.

It is a gift of God that we are given as we seek His kingdom first.

Thus, the answer is not to divorce if you are unhappily married.  Just like the answer is not to marry if you are unhappily single.  The answer is to go out and do what the Lord would have you do, not for yourself, not just for your finances (even though this is necessary), not just for your career, but for Him.  What are you doing for Him that is pleasing Him (because you are blessing His children) and thus bringing you joy?

Once you are doing that, seeking His Kingdom above all else, then all the other things that you are looking for, especially in your marriage, will be added to you...and that includes joy.

Don't leave your marriage; don't jump into marriage.  Just be obedient to the Lord and wait for it. 

Joy will come.

Death to the Flesh

I am going to stay with the subject of what motivated the Proverbs 31 woman for a bit longer, but the motivation from this point forward is not for women alone, but is applicable to both men and women and to husbands and wives specifically:

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh..." (Ephesians 5:13a)

"The acts of the flesh are obvious:
- sexual immorality;
-impurity and debauchery;
-idolatry and witchcraft;
-hatred;
-discord;
-jealousy;
-fits of rage;

 [Note concerning hatred, discord and fits of rage:
There are Christians, I have witnessed, who lose their temper and then give in completely to using the foulest of language that should not even be found in the depths of a Christ-follower. Where does such language come from? Where do any "curse" words come from? How is it possible for Christians to hurl such words towards their brother or sister, or husband or wife, or children, or parents, or neighbors? How dishonoring to others! How grievous to the Holy Spirit of God! If this is us, then we are nothing more than white-washed tombs because our hearts have not changed as they need to! We are not yet fully submitted to the Spirit of God, for He would speak no such words! The flesh with all of its pride and need for control is still alive. We need true repentance (turning away from such things) or we are nothing more than the people that John describes in 1 John 1:3-11 - "Whoever says, 'I know Him,' but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person...anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness....they do not know where they are going, because darkness has blinded them."  Foul language, I believe, is simply a symptom of an unchanged heart; for in the heat of an argument, when one lets loose with all that is in them in their anger, is most clearly seen what is within.]

-selfish ambition;
-dissensions;
-factions and envy;
-drunkenness;
-orgies;
-and the like.
I warn you as I did before that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God." (Ephesians 5:19-21)

"....rather, serve one another humbly in love.  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."  If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." (Ephesians 5:13b-15)

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." (Galatians 5:22-25)

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows.  Whosoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:7-9)

All of the above passages are nothing to pass over lightly...therefore, I will leave this posting up for the next few days to allow us each to give it our fullest possible attention. 

Have you died to every one of your desires, rights, privileges, [are you truly dead on the cross with Christ, Very God, who gave up every single right and privilege He had for your sake?] and have you only then begun to walk in the Spirit of God? 

Or is your flesh merely putting on a good show: pretending to be dead, while still very much alive and in control?  Here again, I speak to husbands and wives both! We are none of us guiltless!

Death to her flesh and love of God is what motivated the Proverbs 31 woman; the woman who had crucified her flesh with its passions and desires, died with Christ on the cross, and then walked in the Spirit of God alone, walking in His grace that saved her from sin's penalties, and in His resurrection power that kept her persevering in the well-doing that she did, not for hope of reward from husband or children, but out of her love for God who first loved her!

The Help-Meet

[continued from yesterday's posting...]

...then who is at fault?

If the descriptives fit your feelings about and relationship with your husband, but the same descriptives don't fit how you feel about or your relationship with Jesus, then where lies the problem?

Is it all your husband? Or could it be that we wives are to submit to our husbands "as unto the Lord" and that hasn't actually even happened yet?

The thing I remember reading about Mother Teresa is her answer to the question "How are you able to do all that you do?"  She replied, "I see the face of Jesus in every person I serve."  In other words all that she suffered through in poverty and filth and disease to bring hope and relief to those the world had forgotten, was suffered so that she could bring Jesus relief - vicariously - through each person there.

How far have we wives suffered for our husbands...vicariously for Jesus' sake?

I have a confession to make...I failed this little test.  It said a lot to me about how much I am actually submitted to the Lord in terms of how I relate to my husband "as unto the Lord."  The truth is: I am not nearly as surrendered to the Lord as I thought I was!  How often I gave more deference to strangers than I did to my own husband!

There's a little book that I have in my possession by Nancy Missler called "Why Should I Be the First to Change? My spouse won't change, why should I?"   Really, that is the entire title of the book.  It is her testimony of how the Lord saved her marriage. And in it, Nancy tells how after many years of complaining and  manipulating and trying every trick in the book to get her husband to understand "his" problems and get them changed, the Lord, in one powerful moment, broke through to her and began to change her instead. 

And then she tells about the miraculous changes in her husband that followed!  And, how, after 38 years of marriage (at the time of the book's writing) they were as in love with each other as two young honeymooners!  All because Nancy changed in her surrender to the Lord!

Yet, before the Lord changed Nancy she could hardly stand her husband, (and he avoided home by being at work as much as possible!)  They had grown so far apart that she was two days away from taking all four of their children and leaving him, for she saw no other solution for their very unhappy marriage! And then the Lord spoke a simple word (through her husband) that struck her to the heart and revealed not her husband's sin, but her own: of not taking all of her complaints to the Lord and LEAVING them there so that HE could work it out. 

When she finally got that message loud and clear from the Lord, He did just that!  He worked it out: first in her, then in her husband!  She was always ready to take matters into her own hands, but what a difference her surrendered heart to the Lord made! [Mind you, all this time, Nancy was a Christian believer, she and her husband were strong members of their church, and their home was opened weekly for Bible study/home group!  She was already a believer...just not enough!]

My point here is that we wives can complain all we want.  We can buy all the books we hope our husbands will read and take to heart (as Nancy Missler did). We can scream and beg and threaten with divorce.

But until we begin trusting in the Lord and become completely surrendered to Him IN THE MIDST OF THE SUFFERING, rather than running from it...suffering for our husbands, even while they don't act as though they love us (as Jesus suffered for us each individually, even while we weren't acting as though we loved HIM), we should expect no change in our husbands or our marriages.

Perhaps, this is the "help-meet" part of our role as a wife. Adam followed Eve into sin.  Would he have followed her into trusting the Lord had she been surrendered to the Lord in the first place?  Really surrendered?

Perhaps, since Eve was formed out of Adam, she is still needed to "complete" Adam again and to make him whole..and he her.  But that can only be done as we walk forward each day in the strength and power of the Lord as Proverbs 31 women.

It was He who made us; it is only He who can make all of us Eves one again with our Adams. We can create nothing.  We can do nothing on our own, no matter how long or how hard we try. The LORD is the Creator of us all and of everything that is in the world...and that includes our marriages.

Respect

There is a a specific area of submission that particularly concerns the wife's role and it is this:

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)

Strong's Concordance defines the word "respect" this way:

- to venerate, to revere, to fear (There is of course, godly fear and ungodly fear...I think this would be a reverential type of fear, such as an employee has to an employer, a child to a parent...thus I think it is a surrendering type of deference. But this part in parenthesis is merely my opinion, not Strong's.)

Webster's Dictionary provided much more help for the words respect, revere and venerate.

Before we get into those definitions, including synonyms (words meaning the same thing), related words, and antonyms (words that mean the opposite of the defined word), I would like for any wives who are reading this posting today to consider their heart's attitude toward their husband, making special note of the words that define her feelings for her husband.  There is a second step to this little exercise that will follow later, but for now, use these descriptive words for respect (or anti-respect) to help clarify what you are feeling towards your husband.

Respect:

Definition:
- an act of giving particular attention and consideration to another;
- high or special regard or esteem.

Synonyms:
reference, regard

Related Words:
fondness, like, love, partiality, preference, adoration, adulation, deference, hero worship, homage, honor, awe, wonder, enthusiasm, interest, passion, prejudice, affection, attachment, devotion.

Antonyms:
condemnation, disapproval, disdain, scorn, disappointment, disillusionment, indignatioin, unhappiness, aversion, contempt, disfavor, disgust, disinclination, dislike, disregard, distaste, hate, hared, loathing, nausea, repugnance, repulsion, revulsion, abomination, antipathy, detestation, deprecation, displeasure, dissatisfaction.

Revere:

Defintion:
- to show deferential honor to;
- to regard as worthy of great honor.

Synonyms:
admire, honor, love, regard, respect, laud , praise, delight, dignify, exalt, lionize, gratify, please, magnify, satisfy, adore, glorify, worship, reverence, venerate.

Antonyms:
blaspheme, desecrate, profane, violate, affront, dishonor, disrespect, insult, offend, outrage, ridicule, scorn, slight, displeaase, defame, disparage,libel,  malign, slander, slur.


Venerate:

Defintion:
- to regard wtih reverential respect or with admiring deference;
- to honor with a ritual act of devotion.


Synonyms and Antonyms are the same as for the word Revere.

Now, if you have done the first part of the exercise correctly, you have, in your mind, at least, fastened upon the words that describe your feelings for your husband (and thus your relationship).

The second part of the exercise is this:

Replace your husband's face in your mind with that of Jesus. Do the same words describe your relationship with Jesus?

If they don't...

[...to be continued tomorrow.]











 

Suffering & a Godly Wife

The saying "a woman's work is never done" must have been referring to the woman in Proverbs 31. This "virtuous woman" or "woman of noble character" is something I would think most women would aspire to become.  She has energy, confidence, freedom, intelligence, ministry, and let's not forget: a family that rises up to praise her each day. Her day begins before anyone else in the family is up and she is the last to go to bed. But she doesn't complain; for if she did, her husband and children would be feeling guilty instead of praising her. You might say she "suffered" in her willingness to do all that she could to provide and meet the spiritual and practical needs of her family and those around her.

And, for me, she exemplifies the feminine version of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's statement: “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.”  (Quote from "The Cost of Discipleship") 

To me, this is the single most important thing any wife must be willing to do if her marriage is to succeed: die daily. (It is no different than the husband to whom Paul says must be willing to give up his very life for his wife as Christ did for the church.)  The only difference is that she is dying daily for both her husband and her children (and normally a ministry of some sort if she is at all involved in a community of believers).

I have seen women who are so concerned about their own needs being met, their own rights being considered, that they become the proverbial "nag" filling their households with strife, as scripture describes:

"Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife." (Prov. 21:19)

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." (Prov. 25:24)

"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand." (Proverbs 27:15-16)

"Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." (Prov. 17:1)

But back to the Proverbs 31 woman:

I don't for a moment believe that her life was any different than any of ours.  I believe she had concerns, fears, worries, difficulties and troubles comparable to our own today. But I also believe that she was able, in the Lord, to step above all those difficulties and make her own way...not without a husband, but with a husband. 

Often, we think the husband is the problem, when the problem is that we wives do not make our own way inside of the marriage.  We believe that we can only make our own way if we are OUTSIDE or walk away from a marriage.

I have a real-life example to share:

I can tend to be so serious about life that it takes all the fun out of it.  That can be hard for a husband to live with, even if it doesn't produce a nag, still it doesn't necessarily make me a joy to be around. 

Yet, I have had extended moments of time (sadly not as consistently as I would like) when I am SO in the Lord, that I find myself diligent, productive, and joyful.  Things get accomplished in spite of all the normal interruptions (often from my husband who is somewhat needy). Nothing changes in my circumstances to produce that; but something changes in me.  I am walking in the Holy Spirit rather than in my own weak flesh!  The same little barbs that my husband daily directs at me (as sometimes happens after many years of marriage), those things that hurt so deeply when I am walking in my flesh, seem to bounce right off of me, having no effect towards changing my humor at all when I am walking in the Spirit. It feels as though Jesus is my outer clothing and as though He took those barbs so that they would not affect me.  And so, nothing halted me from doing all that I wanted to accomplish...no hurts, no sorrows, nothing to paralyze or distract me. After several days of this, the barbs from my husband would cease.  He even became happier. And he commented on the change in me.  And all it took was the HOLY SPIRIT of GOD allowed to live in me and through me.

I have seen this happen several times throughout the years.  It is as though the Lord gives me glimpses of what an abundant life in Him really means, but then, I think, I allow it to be stolen away from me in a moment and it often takes me a while to get back to it.  Yet, I KNOW what I have experienced in HIM!  I know it is real.  I know it is possible.

And so, I believe with all of my heart, that no matter who our husband is, or who our children are, we can be the Proverbs 31 wife...not because I am able, but because HE WHO DWELLS WITHIN ME IS ABLE.

The Proverbs 31 woman is me when I walk in the Lord.  Is she you? Are we able to more consistently die to self and live to the Lord as she did?  And if we did so on a daily basis, would something change in our households, in our marriages?  One thing is sure: if we don't have the joy and peace within us at all times, that which only the Holy Spirit can provide, we surely won't find it in our marriages either.

Outward Submission, Inward Seething; or, When Two Halves Do Not Make a Whole

Sadly, the first part of the title of this posting describes how so many Chrisian women live in dogged determination to be obedient to the Lord in light of the scriptural command in Ephesians that they are to submit to their husbands:

"Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior,  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-24)

The inward seething, however, is evidence that something is not right.  At which point, the wife normally looks to the husband as the problem.  Perhaps she is right, in that the husband is not submitting himself to Christ as we have discussed in the past two postings.

However, as with the husband, it behooves the wife also to look to herself first and foremost, looking for the areas in her own life in which she is not fully submitted to the Lord (excluding for one moment submission to her husband).  For when she finds the areas of her life that she has not surrendered to the Lord, and when those "walls of resistance" have been tumbled, submission to the husband will no longer involve inward seething, but joy in the Lord.

So, let's look for a moment at the second part of this posting's title: when two halves do not make a whole. And for this purpose we must direct this once more to both husband and wife; not solely the wife.

Let's take the sign of the marriage covenant (the ring) and use it to look at the union of husband and wife and how "two shall become one."

I'm not sure if my analogy will work as well as I hope it will, but here goes:

If I were to draw a circle (representing a wedding ring) on a piece of paper and then draw a line vertically from top to bottom of the ring, I would then have a circle with a line dividing it perfectly into two halves that appear to be joined together. (I hope you can picture this.)

This is what happens in so many marriages today.  Two halves attempt to join together to make a never-ending circle of unity or "oneness," but there remains a line of division between them. This division is a result of past hurts that both of them are fearful of experiencing again, or let-down expectations that were unrealistic to begin with, and thus, they each remain adamant (and insisting on control) concerning certain areas of the marriage relationship.  The dividing walls can be a result of past marriages, if this is a second, third or fourth one, etc.  Or the dividing walls can be a result of childhood hurts that have remained unresolved.  Even in the case where this is a first marriage between two people with perfect childhoods, when our focus is on what WE expect the marriage to be versus what THE LORD desires it to be, dividing walls will arise.

How is one to wear a wedding ring such as this, with a dividing wall in the middle of it?  It cannot be worn. It is impossible to slip onto the bride's finger; signifying not a union of two as one, but the impossibility of two becoming one when dividing walls are present from the very beginning of the marriage relationship.

Now let's look at another wedding ring. My daughter, who was recently married, first had an engagement ring given to her by her fiance, which was followed by a wedding ring on the day of the wedding ceremony.  After the wedding, the two rings were welded together and became virtually one ring.  This, then becomes a much better example of two wholes joining together and fitting very comfortably on the bride's finger, versus attempting to join together two halves into one round ring which cannot be worn at all.  In this latter example, it required two "wholes" welded together in order to become "one" wearable ring. Do you begin to see where I am going with this, especially in light of today's broken families and homes that are more and more prevalent?

What I am trying to illustrate here (probably ineptly) is that when people join into the union of marriage as "half-people" rather than "whole people" there will always remain a wall of division until each half becomes whole.  When they become whole, then the two "wholes" can be melded together and become one very easily.  The problems begin in most marriages because of unhealed broken people; half people, instead of whole. And whether there are hurts or not, we are never completely whole until we allow Jesus Christ to be the LORD of our life. 

Before I continue, remember that nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26).  Any two broken people, whom God has joined together, can become "whole" individually, and then "one" jointly, IF they surrender all the brokenness to Christ.  After all, He is not only the Great Physician, but the very Creator of our "psyches."  So, who better to turn to in order to become whole again? 

Because iniquity has been abounding since the time of the cross of Jesus Christ (thus began the period we are currently in, known as "the last days"), more and more marriages today are second and third and fourth attempts and so on.  I believe the ordinary struggles that are contained within ordinary "first" marriages are doubled and tripled and quadrupled in second, third and fourth attempts at marriage. And with good reason.  The brokenness has not been dealt with properly in Christ, and in fact, has been compounded.  A half person entering into a marriage, no matter how many times they enter into it, will still remain a half person until Christ is allowed to expose and heal every area in need of healing in their lives.

This requires some "alone" time, however. But, instead of allowing Christ the time to heal us, we jump from one failed union to another, in an effort to ease our pain and our discomfort at being alone.  [I have said this often lately, and will continue to say it: we, especially in America, do not walk towards the pain, and thus find healing; instead, we avoid pain at all costs in endless cycles of destruction as we search in the wrong places for comfort!  As long as we allow ourselves to be governed by what "feels good" instead of by spiritual disciplines of obedience to the Word, wherein lies pain, we will never find the relief we seek!]

And so the problem continues, until Christ is finally allowed to do His work in us; because we are finally willing to walk INTO the pain, to face the pain that MUST come about before we can be healed.  Sometimes that happens in a second or a third marriage, but the work to be done is much more difficult when two are involved, than when just one person is working to become whole on their own and THEN joining themselves to another whole person.  "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  (Matthew 6:34b) Normal life brings enough trouble into any marriage. No need for us to bring more turmoil into it with unhealed brokenness that requires us to blame the spouse for marital issues rather than looking to our own issues honestly. "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Jesus would ask us. This ability to "deflect" by blaming others rather than face our own failings is common to both men and women equally. And as long as it continues, in either party, little real progress can be made.

Now back to the wife, specifically.

The Bible gives us an example of a "whole" woman and wife.  It is found in Proverbs 31:10-31 where we find (depending on your Bible version) the "Virtuous Woman" or the "Wife of Noble Character."

I won't write the entire scripture here, but will look at various parts of it in this posting and the one to follow.  In this passage, we find a "whole" woman; a woman who is organized, hard-working (never idle), wise, frugal and an encouragement to the needy as well as to all her family, especially to her husband, who, at first glance, appears to not be working nearly as hard as she is (in most Bible versions, he is busy "sitting" at the city gates.  But this merely means that the location of his work, from which he derives the wages necessary to sustain his family, is found at the entrance to the city where he is an "elder of the land" (verse 23b) - a most respected community leader, most likely having a role in the governing of the city or some aspect of the community.  For all we know, his job could run 14 hours a day! Scripture just does not give us as much info about his day as we get about her day; yet one can only imagine that no one had it "easy" back then! Not compared to us!) 

What we do find especially endearing about this particular husband, is that he speaks words of praise about his wife at the city gates.  Both he and their children are blessed by her and are given to voicing their praise of her on a daily basis (verse 28). I believe the fact that "her husband is respected at the city gate" (verse 23a) has as much to do with her as it does him; otherwise, that statement would not fit into context very well. After all, "her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." (verses 11-12)

What a woman! "Who can find a virtuous woman?" (Proverbs 5:10)

Indeed!  She is an excellent example of a woman fully submitted to the Lord. 

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."  (Proverbs 31:30-31)

[to be continued...]




 

Understanding the "S" Word, Part 2

Reviewing yesterday's post:

!) We are to submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord.

2) The husband is to the wife as Christ is to the church; thus, the husband is to give all that he is (and give up as much as Christ did?) for his wife, as Christ did to give his bride, the church, everlasting and abundant life. When a husband loves with his first priority being his wife, how can she do anything but respond?

3) Women are designed (even anatomically) to receive.  And they respond in like kind with what they receive. The parable of sowing and reaping can be applied.  If husbands sow self-centeredness, where the focus is on what they want above and beyond what their wife wants, then they can reap a wife who also becomes self-focused, finding means to provide for herself what the husband is not providing.  If the husband, on the other hand, gives and gives, patiently, as unto the Lord, in time the wife will begin to give in return.  It is the divine principle of sowing and reaping. The biggest problem in the marriage will then be finding opportunity to outgive each other!

In fact, there is a true story in Kingdom Man (by Tony Evans) that demonstrates such a husband, whose very hard-hearted wife was turned around because of his persistent giving to her, even when it hurt. But I won't share the details here, as Kingdom Man is a book everyone should read for themselves, men and women alike.  It deals with marriage and family life and church life in a way that I have not heard taught before.  And the author's own family is proof of how applying scriptural truths to marriages cause them to flourish, beginning with the relationship of his own parents, then in his own marital relationship, and now even the marital relationships of his children.  It is a book I most highly recommend.

There is another biblical example that the Lord has been pressing upon my own heart this morning.  And that is the story of Hosea. Here is a man who submitted far beyond what most husbands have ever experienced.  And Hosea is a typology of how far the Lord goes for each of us.  Until we have been betrayed to the horrendous extent that Hosea was (by Gomer's promiscuity), and yet are able to still love (as the Lord does us, His bride, who betray Him in many ways almost daily), finally winning her to him with his persistent and never-failing love, then we have not given our all to the marriage.

Again God places the responsibility for the relational problems primarily with the man:

"I will not punish your daughters when they turn to prostitution, nor your daughters-in-law when they commit adultery, because the men themselves consort with harlots and sacrifice with shrine prostitutes - a people without understanding will come to ruin!" (Hosea 4:14)

The responsibility to care for his wife and family (in love and selflessness, rather than forceful heavy-handedness) falls clearly on the man.  All of which sounds rather one-sided.  But the truth, if we can grasp it, is that in even the most difficult of cases, the man who is completely submitted to Christ, will see changes happening in those around him.   If you are a husband who is not seeing the changes you seek in your marriage, look to yourself first and foremost....find the areas of your life that you have not submitted to Christ.  Most likely those areas are the same areas in which there is conflict in your marriage. Thus your clues can be found in the arguments that occur over and over again with your spouse.

Put another way, according to the passage above in Hosea, God will first deal with the husband, before He begins to deal with the wife.  He did so even in the Garden.  He has not changed.

Yet the wife has her responsibilities as well. Before we go on to the wife's part in submission, here is a scripture that is critical for us all and one we should memorize:

"For we who live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh." (2 Corinthians 4:11)

What wife would not be calm and serene in the presence of Jesus, versus overly-emotional or angry?
What husband would not be likewise in the presence of Jesus?  The goal then, for both husband and wife is to manifest Jesus Christ in their own flesh first, before attacking the spouse for the same thing that they themselves are lacking in. 

The problem, on both sides, is that we are not willing to wait for that manifestation to appear in us first, then in our spouses.  We hurl angry barbs at one another, while Jesus would not even defend Himself must less act as we do towards one another.  We put our own needs and rights first, rather than consider others before ourselves, giving up all rights and privileges as Jesus did, who left the splendor of heaven to come to earth with not even a place to lay His head.  We don't want to work hard at anything, but Jesus gave all that He had in terms of effort and energy in order to submit in complete obedience (without complaint) to the Father.

The other problem, perhaps, is that our hearts deceive us.  We each go around thinking we are completely submitted in all areas to Christ, but others, especially those closest to us, know otherwise.  The outside world can't see it, but those who live with us can.  In fact, we often treat those outside of our loved ones with more deference and submission and love than we do our own intimate loved ones.  If pride prevents us from "hearing" or "seeing" the things that need to change in us in order for our spouses to be calm and serene; then what is the spouse to do? 

The answer is to take it to the church.  But that will be dealt with after we take a look at what Christ expects from the wives...in the next posting.