So what do we do when we realize that we have yoked ourselves unequally to an unbeliever, either by our own willfullness or, as has happened to many Christians, to someone we thought was a believer, but once the marriage vows were finished, it came to light that it was all smoke and mirrors, having no basis in reality?
My search of the scriptures came up with only three options if we are to not further compound the error and step outside of God's pronounced will in this. (If you know of other options, it is important to let us know here...scriptural of course! We want to discuss all that is available to the believer.)
Option 1: Stay with the unbeliever, as long as the unbeliever is willing to remain in the relationship, in the hope that he or she will get saved. (This can be a very difficult thing to do for a believer, but God gives us grace to endure if we are willing to trust in Him. I have experienced this as well. And our temporary discomfort for the sake of a lifetime of joy for our spouse should they get saved - versus neverending torment - makes it all worthwhile.)
Option 2: Separate (if the unbeliever has requested it), without divorcing, and never enter into another relationship until the unbelieving spouse has died. Some biblical teachers believe there are other scriptural reasons for separating, but the goal of such a separation is always restoration; thus divorce would not be sought in this case. [Most believers rear up at the thought of never remarrying, calling it unfair and unrealistic; but they need to take their complaints to the LORD on this one, as His Word declares that if we MUST separate, then this plan is the most beneficial to us, for reasons we will get into later.]
Option 3: Divorce (for specific biblical reasons only - at which time remarriage is allowable as the marriage covenant was broken by the specific reasons for the divorce.)
As you can see from all of these options, none are God's ideal plan for us. His plan would have alleviated all the suffering that each of these possible options will bring, either to ourselves or to the children of the covenant relationship. His plan calls for us to be fully submitted and obedient to Christ individually, marry only someone who is also fully submitted and obedient to Christ, and thus the two join together for an entire lifetime as one in Christ.
But because of continued sin and hardness of hearts, separation or divorce is allowed by the LORD. But in either case, unless one is particularly hard-hearted, the loss will be comparable to a loved one dying. In fact, I have seen divorces or separations initiated by one spouse in a way that leaves the other spouse reeling and in shock because the initiator, in his or her hard-heartedness, has not even given the courtesty of a reason for the divorce or separation. Trying to then figure out what happened and yet being unable to do so without some communication or closure, extends the grieving process for an even longer period of time; it is incredibly cruel to the stunned spouse, yet it happens all the time in this age when marriages are taken lightly rather than as a life-long covenant.
It would seem that the next logical step in this study would be to explore each of these options in detail, to ensure that our understanding of the scriptural basis for each is correct.
But our next step must actually be ensuring that the church knows how they are to govern in such matters; for it is to the church that believers are to take such matters; not to lawyers*. And when such matters do come before the church, the church has to be prepared: prmarily by having already appointed persons of wisdom and proper Godly character (not in appearance only, or because of their titles, but by witnesses affirming their Godly character) to rule in such matters. These persons of wisdom must have complete and full understanding of God's principles; otherwise, worse issues will be the result.
Remember Paul's exhortation to the church at Corinth when they decided to take kingdom issues outside of the kingdom and into the worldly courts?
"If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the LORD's people? Or do you not know that the LORD's people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life? Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? But instead, one brother takes another to court - and this in front of unbelievers! The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. Or do you not know that wongdoers will not inherit the kindgom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:1-10
This was never intended to be limited to lawsuits regarding property or money alone, but to include lawsuits regarding a bill of divorcement as well; or any other matters of dispute between believers. And even more, Paul is telling them that the real problem is all of those who are not willing to be cheated or wronged, but seek instant relief from the worldly courts instead. This is the failing of all of us humans; we want relief and we want it now! Yet Jesus allowed suffering to be a part of His life, for our sakes. Will we do less for Him?
Paul is saying that kingdom issues are to be governed by kingdom men and women first of all; and that the secular government is only to confirm what the church has already determined is just in the eyes of God (such as receiving a legal divorce from a court according to the law of the land, AFTER the church has ruled that there are scriptural reasons for the divorce...and even then divorce must always be a last resort, not a first!) The problem with this is that in many, many cases, men and women who are not willing to submit to Christ (and thus, not to one another in a marriage covenant either), are also not willing to submit to the church; rendering God's plan to safeguard us from sin with the help of our brothers and sister in Christ, of no effect in our lives because of our rebellious and hard hearts. It is not easy to submit to a body of believers. In fact, it is impossible for our flesh to do so!
And that is the test for us! Have we truly submitted ourselves to the rule of the LORD in our lives? Or is our flesh still reigning?
Now as to the "wise enough to judge a dispute" believers. Who might these be within our church?
Well, probably the elders of the church, but if not then men who meet all the qualifications of an elder, even if they are not in that position. And possibly their wives might be part of that wisdom as well, especially as it pertains to women in the marital disputes.
If our elders have been chosen well and chosen in complete accordance with what the scripture says, then they will be men who are fully submitted to Christ in every area of their life, they will then be able to properly govern their own houses well, and are fit to govern the church as well; and their wives will be happily submitted to and respectful of the husband who has sacrificed all for her as Christ did for the church. Here are the elder's qualifications according to 1 Timothy 3:
"Now the overseer [elder] is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect [in other words, not with an iron fist of control]. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap." 1 Timothy 3:1-7
In other words, an elder first has to show by his own life (not his recently acquired new life, but a long life of trusting in God before being put into the position of an elder) that he is truly submitted to the Lord in all of his actions, those seen, and those unseen. How his family regards him, those closest to him, including children, and the community at large, will be very telling about whether or not the man is able to govern in church matters.
Now, who wouldn't want such a man to govern or provide wisdom to either a husband or wife who is having marital problems? I would certainly want such Godly wisdom working for me!
But if I couldn't see Christ in that elder, in just the way that 1 Timothy describes, then I would not want to submit myself, my children, or my marriage to his wisdom.
I am saying all of this for this purpose: if the church is to govern on kindgom issues, it must first elect men to the the work of elders according to kindgom principles in the first place. The church must judge the potential candidates from a position of long-term knowledge of who these men are, how their families are, how their children are, and then, and only then, if all is according to 1 Timothy, they should be installed as elders. It is because of the solemnity of governing the things of God, such as disputes within the marriage covenant, that great care must be given to choosing such elders in the first place. It cannot be rushed, it cannot be haphazard; it must be completely scriptural. Or again, our church is a weakened entity having no authority to govern by virtue of its neglect of God's Word.
When the church elders are as they should be, then, when marital issues arise, the members of the body will have confidence in their wisdom, and will submit to the counsel given. Unless, of course, those in dispute just want what they want only, and do not want to please God at all.
Next posting, we will look at the scriptural reasons necessary for any of the marriage covenant relief options above.
*Divorce and Remarriage, Tony Evans.
My search of the scriptures came up with only three options if we are to not further compound the error and step outside of God's pronounced will in this. (If you know of other options, it is important to let us know here...scriptural of course! We want to discuss all that is available to the believer.)
Option 1: Stay with the unbeliever, as long as the unbeliever is willing to remain in the relationship, in the hope that he or she will get saved. (This can be a very difficult thing to do for a believer, but God gives us grace to endure if we are willing to trust in Him. I have experienced this as well. And our temporary discomfort for the sake of a lifetime of joy for our spouse should they get saved - versus neverending torment - makes it all worthwhile.)
Option 2: Separate (if the unbeliever has requested it), without divorcing, and never enter into another relationship until the unbelieving spouse has died. Some biblical teachers believe there are other scriptural reasons for separating, but the goal of such a separation is always restoration; thus divorce would not be sought in this case. [Most believers rear up at the thought of never remarrying, calling it unfair and unrealistic; but they need to take their complaints to the LORD on this one, as His Word declares that if we MUST separate, then this plan is the most beneficial to us, for reasons we will get into later.]
Option 3: Divorce (for specific biblical reasons only - at which time remarriage is allowable as the marriage covenant was broken by the specific reasons for the divorce.)
As you can see from all of these options, none are God's ideal plan for us. His plan would have alleviated all the suffering that each of these possible options will bring, either to ourselves or to the children of the covenant relationship. His plan calls for us to be fully submitted and obedient to Christ individually, marry only someone who is also fully submitted and obedient to Christ, and thus the two join together for an entire lifetime as one in Christ.
But because of continued sin and hardness of hearts, separation or divorce is allowed by the LORD. But in either case, unless one is particularly hard-hearted, the loss will be comparable to a loved one dying. In fact, I have seen divorces or separations initiated by one spouse in a way that leaves the other spouse reeling and in shock because the initiator, in his or her hard-heartedness, has not even given the courtesty of a reason for the divorce or separation. Trying to then figure out what happened and yet being unable to do so without some communication or closure, extends the grieving process for an even longer period of time; it is incredibly cruel to the stunned spouse, yet it happens all the time in this age when marriages are taken lightly rather than as a life-long covenant.
It would seem that the next logical step in this study would be to explore each of these options in detail, to ensure that our understanding of the scriptural basis for each is correct.
But our next step must actually be ensuring that the church knows how they are to govern in such matters; for it is to the church that believers are to take such matters; not to lawyers*. And when such matters do come before the church, the church has to be prepared: prmarily by having already appointed persons of wisdom and proper Godly character (not in appearance only, or because of their titles, but by witnesses affirming their Godly character) to rule in such matters. These persons of wisdom must have complete and full understanding of God's principles; otherwise, worse issues will be the result.
Remember Paul's exhortation to the church at Corinth when they decided to take kingdom issues outside of the kingdom and into the worldly courts?
"If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the LORD's people? Or do you not know that the LORD's people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life? Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? But instead, one brother takes another to court - and this in front of unbelievers! The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. Or do you not know that wongdoers will not inherit the kindgom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:1-10
This was never intended to be limited to lawsuits regarding property or money alone, but to include lawsuits regarding a bill of divorcement as well; or any other matters of dispute between believers. And even more, Paul is telling them that the real problem is all of those who are not willing to be cheated or wronged, but seek instant relief from the worldly courts instead. This is the failing of all of us humans; we want relief and we want it now! Yet Jesus allowed suffering to be a part of His life, for our sakes. Will we do less for Him?
Paul is saying that kingdom issues are to be governed by kingdom men and women first of all; and that the secular government is only to confirm what the church has already determined is just in the eyes of God (such as receiving a legal divorce from a court according to the law of the land, AFTER the church has ruled that there are scriptural reasons for the divorce...and even then divorce must always be a last resort, not a first!) The problem with this is that in many, many cases, men and women who are not willing to submit to Christ (and thus, not to one another in a marriage covenant either), are also not willing to submit to the church; rendering God's plan to safeguard us from sin with the help of our brothers and sister in Christ, of no effect in our lives because of our rebellious and hard hearts. It is not easy to submit to a body of believers. In fact, it is impossible for our flesh to do so!
And that is the test for us! Have we truly submitted ourselves to the rule of the LORD in our lives? Or is our flesh still reigning?
Now as to the "wise enough to judge a dispute" believers. Who might these be within our church?
Well, probably the elders of the church, but if not then men who meet all the qualifications of an elder, even if they are not in that position. And possibly their wives might be part of that wisdom as well, especially as it pertains to women in the marital disputes.
If our elders have been chosen well and chosen in complete accordance with what the scripture says, then they will be men who are fully submitted to Christ in every area of their life, they will then be able to properly govern their own houses well, and are fit to govern the church as well; and their wives will be happily submitted to and respectful of the husband who has sacrificed all for her as Christ did for the church. Here are the elder's qualifications according to 1 Timothy 3:
"Now the overseer [elder] is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect [in other words, not with an iron fist of control]. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap." 1 Timothy 3:1-7
In other words, an elder first has to show by his own life (not his recently acquired new life, but a long life of trusting in God before being put into the position of an elder) that he is truly submitted to the Lord in all of his actions, those seen, and those unseen. How his family regards him, those closest to him, including children, and the community at large, will be very telling about whether or not the man is able to govern in church matters.
Now, who wouldn't want such a man to govern or provide wisdom to either a husband or wife who is having marital problems? I would certainly want such Godly wisdom working for me!
But if I couldn't see Christ in that elder, in just the way that 1 Timothy describes, then I would not want to submit myself, my children, or my marriage to his wisdom.
I am saying all of this for this purpose: if the church is to govern on kindgom issues, it must first elect men to the the work of elders according to kindgom principles in the first place. The church must judge the potential candidates from a position of long-term knowledge of who these men are, how their families are, how their children are, and then, and only then, if all is according to 1 Timothy, they should be installed as elders. It is because of the solemnity of governing the things of God, such as disputes within the marriage covenant, that great care must be given to choosing such elders in the first place. It cannot be rushed, it cannot be haphazard; it must be completely scriptural. Or again, our church is a weakened entity having no authority to govern by virtue of its neglect of God's Word.
When the church elders are as they should be, then, when marital issues arise, the members of the body will have confidence in their wisdom, and will submit to the counsel given. Unless, of course, those in dispute just want what they want only, and do not want to please God at all.
Next posting, we will look at the scriptural reasons necessary for any of the marriage covenant relief options above.
*Divorce and Remarriage, Tony Evans.
3 comments:
Having attended most my life in a Southern Baptist Church, I have heard very little regarding the active described in this lesson - a very good one with substance we can understand. The options are clear. Why do not churches play a more active role while lawyer fees are the primary route. An avoidance for this situation is date those who are believers. To hear them speak of God and comment on Scripture before marriage. I would love to take this lesson to the "higher-ups" within my church and ask them why this process you have described is not more widely used. I have yet to see it in a church bulletin, newsletter, website, or preached from the pulpit. And as you state, going to the elders is supported by the Bible. From early American history, this practice DID occur. When did it stop? MDW
This bible study is close to my heart and I am very interested to see where it will lead us. I was previously married and understand the struggle of being divorced. One of my struggles as a divorcee was the shame I felt afterwards being label “divorcee.” This even though my divorce was biblical based due to my spouses infidelity. I find it interesting how people cavalierly marry and figure if it doesn’t work, they can always divorce. Had the children produced in these marriages been consulted, I am certain they would not wish for it.
Being the mother of a child of divorce and married to a man from divorced parents - - I can see all sides of this situation. Rest assured - - a child is forever affected by the divorce of his parents. Little things like getting their parents to be in the same room and treat each other respectfully, to larger issues of feeling guilty as being the cause of the divorce haunt many children a life time. God can cure these feelings, but the effects can always be seen. Children are too many times the pawns of parents - - to the detriment of the children. Isn’t if funny how it is easier to get married versus divorced. Divorce is more than just legal paperwork - - in many ways it is a rip in the fabric of the family.
To another issue I noticed while reading this post….and it is a little off topic. In his letter to the church in Corinth, the apostle Paul tells us that believers will not only judge the world, but also judge angels: “Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world ... Do you not know that we are to judge angels? What does Paul mean when he says the saints will also judge angels?
I have some questions about this and would like to share them, if you don’t mind. From the text, it appears that God’s children are given a higher position than angels. As we are created in God’s image, but redeemed by Christ and Angels are not created in God’s image and are not redeemed by Christ; it appears there will be some authority given to Man.
Does the Apostle Paul mean that we will judge, rule or govern Angels? When referencing “angels” does Paul mean fallen angels? And if that is true, does it mean that believers will take part in the judgment of the fallen angels and exercise some authority over the holy angels?
GW
So much to discuss here and I am limited in space..and you know I can be long-winded...so I will respond by the next posting to both MDW and GW's comments. Thanks to you both for adding to this study with your thoughts and questions!
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